Jack Kerouac, as Sal Paradise once said: "I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion." And I think that's a rather apt description of my blog over the years, and perhaps the most perfect description of me in general that I've ever read. So that's what this blog is, a collection of the falling stars that are beckoning me at any time.

24 October 2005

back like a bad 80s fad

I've been so absent from the web this month, and it's not just been lacking time there's been a real lack of desire on my part ot write a damn thing, which is odd. Perhaps it's that the daily letter correspondance takes away my need to hash out my life in blog form or perhaps there has just been a real malaise over me from financial and job woes. But, if that's the case my friends I think the tide is turning. I completely did not get the casino job I was up for when last I wrote here. In fact I felt the whole experience of being turned down for the job slightly dehumanising as you're not only not given any sort of idea of the reason they passed on you, but you don't even get to find out from a person, you have to call a phoneline and have a robot tell you to sod off.

I have however managed to find another job, the pay is the same as my old job which isn't the greatest, but it is infinitely closer to my house and they won't dick me around on my hours which offsets that. So now I'm working as a cashier at one of the longterm parking lots at the airport. This is my last week at Kwik shop and my first at the lot, I've only given kwik shop one week's notice instead of my customary polite 2 weeks or more, but really I don't feel bad about it in the slightest because of the way I've been jerked around. Today there was supposed to be a staff meeting at 8am becuase they're getting a new manager and I just clocked out and left instead of staying (there didn't seem much point to me in hanging around) and the district manager (the one I can't stand and fantasize nightly about quitting nad stranding to finish my shift. it's true I like to imagine that I were a not so reliable and conscientious person) was like where are you going and I said "well it's my last week, so I don't see the point in staying. and she was like 'what?' and I said "I quit Thursday is my last day.' and she said 'so we're not getting 2 weeks?' and I just paused for about 2 seconds then said 'nope. I gave one.' and left. And this was in front of the rest of the staff. It was such a wonderful bouyant feeling. That's when you know you've hated a job way more than you should have had to, that airless feeling knowing that you don't have to worry about any of the bullshit anymore. I have 2 nights left and it's oh so nice.

The new job is pretty cush too. I can read or do homework or bind books or watch dvds or whatever in my little booth between customers (tonight I plan to try to finish the scarf I'm making for Ben which is now a definitely belated brithday present. (I had to debate for a moment on whether to knit him one since I've always felt that somehow a gift of the knitted variety has heavy connotations, I don't know where I got this idea since I think perhaps it's really only sweater knitting that has sort of the possessive connotations when you do it for someone of your preferred dating gender that you like. (not that I wouldn't like to have the kind of position to say back off bithces he's mine with a scarf :)) but no matter how daydreamy and hopeful I can sometimes become I like to remain grounded in the reality of the situation so I don't want to send such an implication, but in the end I thought, well the whole scarf hunt he's been on conversation tipped the balance in favour of the scarf knitting so that's that.)

stay tuned for gushing (yes quite belatedly) on the package I got from my blogging by mail partner. I've just realised that I didn't give a shout out to him, g-d I've been a terrible interneteer in October.

02 October 2005


where have I been? I don't even know anymore. I'm feeling grouchy and malcontent today. It's been another trying weekend and I've another miserable evening of work ahead of me. Tomorrow I have an interview at the casino for a job as a security observer, but I'm not feeling highly confident that I've even got a chance at getting it as I've no experience in security or loss prevention other than your basic retail look for shoplifters to scare them out of doing it. One has to try though I guess. I have to get some other job, my paycheque was only 140 again this week, at this rate I'll never pay off my tuition let alone do that and raise the needed money to go to the UK to see Ben.

I'm just really frustrated lately.

I baked by stuff to send to my blogging by mail partner, but I'm not sure whether I think they came out great or not. They smell good and look okay, but I wasn't very happy with how the crust came out to even put in the pan, I'll definitely have to imporvise on what the recipe calls for next time I make them. It's a vegan recipe so I should have thought in advance that I was going to have to add something to counteract the dryness that every vegan baked good recipe I've ever made seems to be cursed with. That dryness is almot always totally counteractable so I don't get why no one ever seems to build it into the recipe. I think I forgot about it because I'd already rendered it not vegan by using butter anyway (I can't stand margarine I think it tastes disgusting on top of being just as bad for you as butter anyway) I'd proabably think they were good enough, but checking out my partner's blog they're a bit of a foodie, so I feel inadequate off the startblock. So I'll be getting that off in the post along with some food inspired mix cds tomorrow and then the only thing I'll have left to focus on is back tack. oh wait and a mail art thing and a zine project, and all the book arts projects for school. ...oh for a simple life.

You know I miss Ben, that doesn't make any sense, how can you miss someone that you've never actually met? But the distinct feeling is missing. I think the feeling of longing, or being lonely those are totally different emotional sensations from that of missing and for some reason the feeling I have is not that of someone who's met someone online and chatted for months and really can't wait to meet them, it's one of someone who's been separated a great distance and can't wait to get back in the same room with someone else. I don't know if the fact that that's the way I feel should scare me or worry me or should be some good omen. all I know is that 3 and a half months seems like an excrutiatingly long time and the thought that it could be longer due to shitty finances is the most depressing thing ever just now.

I was going to write about this really great Hungarian film I just saw, but I think i'll leave that for another post.