malaise

where have I been? I don't even know anymore. I'm feeling grouchy and malcontent today. It's been another trying weekend and I've another miserable evening of work ahead of me. Tomorrow I have an interview at the casino for a job as a security observer, but I'm not feeling highly confident that I've even got a chance at getting it as I've no experience in security or loss prevention other than your basic retail look for shoplifters to scare them out of doing it. One has to try though I guess. I have to get some other job, my paycheque was only 140 again this week, at this rate I'll never pay off my tuition let alone do that and raise the needed money to go to the UK to see Ben.

I'm just really frustrated lately.

I baked by stuff to send to my blogging by mail partner, but I'm not sure whether I think they came out great or not. They smell good and look okay, but I wasn't very happy with how the crust came out to even put in the pan, I'll definitely have to imporvise on what the recipe calls for next time I make them. It's a vegan recipe so I should have thought in advance that I was going to have to add something to counteract the dryness that every vegan baked good recipe I've ever made seems to be cursed with. That dryness is almot always totally counteractable so I don't get why no one ever seems to build it into the recipe. I think I forgot about it because I'd already rendered it not vegan by using butter anyway (I can't stand margarine I think it tastes disgusting on top of being just as bad for you as butter anyway) I'd proabably think they were good enough, but checking out my partner's blog they're a bit of a foodie, so I feel inadequate off the startblock. So I'll be getting that off in the post along with some food inspired mix cds tomorrow and then the only thing I'll have left to focus on is back tack. oh wait and a mail art thing and a zine project, and all the book arts projects for school. ...oh for a simple life.

You know I miss Ben, that doesn't make any sense, how can you miss someone that you've never actually met? But the distinct feeling is missing. I think the feeling of longing, or being lonely those are totally different emotional sensations from that of missing and for some reason the feeling I have is not that of someone who's met someone online and chatted for months and really can't wait to meet them, it's one of someone who's been separated a great distance and can't wait to get back in the same room with someone else. I don't know if the fact that that's the way I feel should scare me or worry me or should be some good omen. all I know is that 3 and a half months seems like an excrutiatingly long time and the thought that it could be longer due to shitty finances is the most depressing thing ever just now.

I was going to write about this really great Hungarian film I just saw, but I think i'll leave that for another post.