Jack Kerouac, as Sal Paradise once said: "I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion." And I think that's a rather apt description of my blog over the years, and perhaps the most perfect description of me in general that I've ever read. So that's what this blog is, a collection of the falling stars that are beckoning me at any time.

15 August 2005

self portrait tuesday a few hours early

I stopped taking my paxil on Thursday, After over 2 years on it i feel it's time for a noble experiment in trying to manage my own emotions, after all I'm a very different person than the one who was talked into to taking anti depressents in the first place, my thought processes are a lot healthier. I know that the conventional advice is to ween yourself off them, but the idea of 6 months of hit or miss sickness from level lowering doesn't appeal to me, I'd rahter, it's true just take the month of withdrawal and be done with it. Right now that's not feeling like such a great plan as I am horribly ill with nausea and fatigue and those annoying power surge feelings in my head. What it does though is make me angry. Angry that i was lied to about how "oh paxil isn't habit forming, you'd just have a few side effects if you stopped like a potential increase in your original symptoms." It's bullshit, it's like saying well crack's not addictive, you'll just have some negative side effects if you don't smoke that next rock. I could really deal with my moods and emotions being a bit wonky for awhile as my brain makes the transition. That much would be fine. But, you know what, glaxo-smith kiline, or whoever you are, nowhere in the original symptoms of my depression did I feel like an electric surge went off in my head when I moved, did moving too much make me feel that i was going to vomit. I'm not going to go refill my prescription though, I've made it this far I'll just remain detirmined to deal with it for a little longer. (it might be one thing if I had health insurance to just abandon this detox, but I don't, so I've got to keep in mind that the worst part is probably half over now, and I've just got to be strong enough to make it to the slight discomfort stage and then I'm home free.)

So, alright this isn't a very crafty post or even artsy, but it does have a self portrait, so there's something. :)

1 comment:

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